After reading a book on dialogue facilitation, I decided to stop asking "why?"
Introduction
Hi, I’m kittchy.
I usually read only technical books and have hardly ever picked up a book on communication. Recently, though, I had a chance to think about team management and how I talk with people, and that led me to read Taiwagata Facilitation no Tehodoki (An Introduction to Dialogue Facilitation).
It’s written by Toyokazu Nakata of the certified NPO Mura no Mirai, and it turns a dialogue method honed in international development work into something you can use in everyday life. It came out in December 2015, so I’m reading a book exactly ten years late. Even so, almost everything in it applies directly at work and at home, so I’m writing down what I learned.
書籍／教材 – ムラのミライ muranomirai.org
Stop asking “why?” and “how was it?”
What hit me hardest was the point that we should avoid “Why did that happen?” and “How was it?”, questions we use without thinking.
Instead, the book recommends questions that check facts: “Since when?”, “What about yesterday?”, “Where?”, “For example, what?” Move away from Why and How, and toward What, When, Where, and Who.
The difference is bigger than I expected. Someone asked “why?” has to explain a reason, so they tend to drift into excuses and self-justification. Someone asked “since when?” only has to answer with the facts they remember. Just changing the question lets the other person answer without getting defensive.
Ask questions the other person can answer
Another key point is to ask questions the other person can actually answer. Don’t ask them to talk about opinions, thoughts, or assumptions. Ask questions they can answer just by stating facts.
People interpret things in their own favor. So the principle that we should talk about, and ask about, facts rather than opinions or impressions reminded me of data-driven thinking.
Wait, and let them notice
The heart of the method is not to hand out answers or lecture, but to draw out facts carefully and wait for the other person to notice things on their own.
The point that the goal is to let the other person say the final word stayed with me. If you skip the sermon and keep stacking fact-checking questions, the other person sorts out the situation and reaches the answer themselves.
Useful beyond work
The book says the method also works for relationships and parenting. It does seem more constructive to draw out facts from a partner or child with “Since when have you felt that way?” or “For example, what happened?” rather than demanding “Why did you do that?”
Closing
Dialogue facilitation looks simple, but I found it quite hard to practice. Sealing away the “why?” and “what do you think?” I use without thinking, and sticking to fact-checking questions, will take deliberate training.
But when it works, it can lead to real problem solving while respecting the other person. I want to use it not only for technical problems but also for team building and everyday conversations. I’ll start by practicing stopping for a moment whenever I’m about to say “why?”
See you.